This blog post has been a long time coming. I’ve been
thinking on some things over the past few months; stewing on something, but I wasn’t quite sure
exactly what it was that had me so restless. I just knew whatever it was, I
wanted to write it down.
And today is that day. Today is the day I write down what’s
been brewing in me for the last few months, and here is it:
I like who I am.
How many of us can really say that? And better yet, actually
mean it? I feel like for so long, I’ve felt like I’ve been suffering from the
“imposter” syndrome. You know, where you’re old enough to be working a “real”
job but still young enough to feel like you’re “playing adult”. Like, you keep
hoping no one figures out that you really don’t know exactly what you’re
talking about, and for the most part, you feel like you’re playing dress up
when it comes to work and life as an adult. You keep wondering how long it will
take for the other people at the table to realize you so do not belong there.
I remember the first time I felt this way. It was my first
year in graduate school, and my boss at the time (Patty) brought me to a
planning session in the Twin Cities of about 5-6 people from various colleges
in Minnesota; we called ourselves “The Partnership for Safer Communities
Consortium”. It was a group of head honchos from higher education and the
Department of Corrections, and our goal was to find ways to continue providing
higher educational opportunities to incarcerated students. Funding was running
out, and our programs were at risk of closing down. And all I could think was,
“Do they know I don’t belong here? That I am pinching myself as I sit here
because I can’t believe I’m even in this room right now? Who said that I had any kind of insight to provide on this
huge, important topic of social justice? Do they really think that I, a twenty
two year old grad student, can change social fabric in this state I’ve lived in
for 6 months!?”
And thank God for Patty who brought me to that meeting,
because she saw something in me that I certainly did not see. She saw the
potential and drive that I brought to my work, and she showed me that although
I was young, what I had to say was important. That my thoughts were valuable
and meaningful. That I had every opportunity to change my world, even if it
didn’t seem like I had the power to do so.
And seven years later, I’ve presented at national
conferences with her, contributed to a published textbook on emerging
technologies in higher education, and been adjunct faculty at the second
largest school in Minnesota, teaching incarcerated men in a level four security
prison. I’ve started educational
programs on my own, and quite frankly, made shit happen in regards to serving
unprivileged students in Minnesota and beyond.
So you know what? I like who I am. I like who I’ve become,
and I no longer feel like an imposter. My experiences and what I think, matters. Do I still have a long way to
go? Absolutely. Just ask my new boss; I feel like I know nothing there. But I
don’t care. Because I’ll learn. Not knowing doesn’t make me any less valuable
of a member of our team, because like everything else in my life, I’ll give it
everything I have. Why? Because I know why
I’m here. My focus is on helping students change their lives through
education. Nothing else matters to me except that fact. I don’t care if I don’t
know all the answers today; I’ll figure them out. I don’t care if people think
I’m crazy because of how much I work with students on stuff they “should know”
or “be able to figure out on their own”. I do what I know is right, and that’s
enough for me. It’s an awesome feeling, to finally be comfortable with who you
are and what you believe enough to stand behind it even if the world thinks
you’re crazy.
Boo-yah.
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